Tae on life after death

So we were walking home from school yesterday and Tae ran across the street without me.  There were no cars, thankfully, but it scared the crap out of me and made me mad because he knows better.  He just thinks he runs things...  Anyway, I was explinaing to him that he could get hit by a car because he doesn't always see things that Mommy sees.  He could get really hurt or even worse, die.  Here is kinda how it went:

Mommy: "Tae, you cannot do these things by yourself.  You have to wait for Mommy.  What if a car hit you?  Mommy wouldn't be able to have you anymore."

Tae: "Okay Mommy.  Sorry, Mommy.  Mommy?"

Mommy: "Yes, Tae?" (kinda annoyed tone)

Tae: "If I was gone from here though, I would be with God in heaven."

Mommy: "Well, um, ya, but um, Mommy wants you here."

How do you answer that?  Heaven is a better place to be.  But selfishly I want my baby with me.  Loosing Tyson this summer has brought a whole new outlook to our lives.  Always thinking about what is ultimately ahead of us.  I am so glad that my 3-year-old is realizing the same things.  Love you Tyson.

Happy-Sad Anniversary

Okay, so my anniversary is on Wednesday this week.  July 28th, 2007, I married the man of my dreams.  Well, that isn't necessarily true, because I didn't really have a man of my dreams.  I didn't think about getting married or weddings until I was engaged just like I didn't think about kids until I was pregnant.  So needless to say, I was a little unprepared.

Unfortunately this years anniversary comes with a tinge of sadness.  Well not just a tinge, a lot of sadness.  A month and 9 days ago I lost my cousin, Tyson Lane Larson.  He was the best of men, and I love him and miss him so much.  He was married last year, August 1st to the cutest girl and they were perfect for each other.  He was so good to her, really they had a fairytale.  They dated 7 years before they got engaged, were engaged for 1 year, and married for 10 months.  I can't imagine the pain she is going through.  I can't imagine planning on spending the rest of your life with someone and having it cut short.  I am learning to thank God everyday for the blessings in my life, my sons, my husband, my family.  I am also learning to be aware of how fragile life is and at any given moment I could loose someone else close to me.  The only place to go is to Jesus, and leaning on Him and His promises is the only answer.

So this year's anniversary is going to be low key.  Not that we really do a ton in the past, one year we went to a resort in the Bahamas for one night while visiting family, and last year we just spent one night in Santa Barbara.  This year it is dinner at the Cheesecake Factory (we have a gift certificate!) and a movie, maybe.  I am just going to be thankful this year that I have a husband and that he loves me still.

Sorry so serious.  But I have to remember Ty.  I have to talk about him, it is my therapy.  I want people to know how great he was.  I want my kids to know of him because they won't ever get to know him.  So I might be a little Debbie Downer, but it gets me through.  Thanks for listening.

Have you lost someone close to you?  How do you cope?  Do you ever feel like you shouldn't be happy, or that if I post all these happy things I am moving on with my life and that is wrong?  Like there should be some kind of mourning period.  I don't know, I am still working through everything.  Any thoughts or advice on the subject is welcome.

Remembering

Life had been a little rough the last couple of weeks.  Like you might know we lost our dear cousin, Tyson Larson, 3 weeks ago tomorrow.  What a weird thing.  The night before his death Lindsey, Tyson's incredible wife, happened to bring her camera to one of their basketball games.  She has some incredible pictures of Tyson playing.  Big smiling face, healthy body, just so full of life.  Then the next day he is gone.  It is such a hard thing to think through.  Why Tyson?  He was so young and healthy.  His poor wife, his poor mother and father, his poor siblings.  And yet they are all so strong.  It is inspirational. 

I am just going to say it, I don't know how you can get through a tragedy like that and not cling to the only thing that makes sense.  God is good.  God is sovereign.  God reigns supreme and does things that we don't always understand.  We also know that God never gives us more than we can handle, so he obviously knows that Lindsey is going to be okay, He will take care of her.  His mother, father, sister, and brother are all going to be okay.  He has a higher purpose.  Perhaps it is to call a few more to His own.  Perhaps it is to make a few people think about their lives.  How can you live through this and not.

I know this is a little scattered, but my thoughts are so scattered when I think about it.  Today, like everyday, I am remembering Tyson.  I am remembering his life.  I am remembering God's love for us even when we don't understand.  I love Tyson.  He was one of the most amazing people you could ever know.  I know that looking back at his life and the way he lived it has inspired me to live better.  I believe in Christ as my Savior, but do I live it?  Would someone know that by the way I live?  If the topic comes up, do I shy away?  Where are my standards, how am I raising my boys?  The list of questions can go on and on. And after thinking about it, God had to take someone like Tyson, such an awesome example, for people to think about their lives.  I don't know how many people would be reevaluating things if it was me to go.  WOW I have a few things to change. 

But praise God that we can change and that he knows we are but dust.  Even as I am writing this I am realizing how I put other things before my relationship with God. 

I didn't get to see his body before they closed the casket.  I feel like I would have wanted to.  Because like my brother put it, that wasn't Tyson.  That was just his tent.  It is the tent that his soul used while gracing us on this earth.  Tyson is up there with Jesus without sin.  Smiling his big smile.  Loving people even more than he loved people here.  What a crazy thing to think about. 

I still miss Ty.  It is hard to get back to reality.  It is hard to think that he is really gone.  I still love Ty.  What an incredible person he was, I feel such a pleasure to have known him and to be able to call him family.  I wish all of you could have known him.  I think we all would have been better for it.

Tyson Lane Larson 1982-2010

June 17, 2010 the world lost one of the most special people.  We lost a loved one.  Tyson Larson went home to be with Jesus.  This is such an unreal process, loosing a loved one, and everyone grieves differently.  There were so many things running through my mind when I heard about the accident.  "No Lord, not Tyson."  "There has to be a mistake."  "Why God."  I could keep going.  Even sitting here and the realization of it all comes back to me as the song Hallelujah is being played in the background by one of Tyson's good friends.  He isn't here.  He is never coming back.  We won't get to see his smiling face again.  But that is not the point today.

 In this time, in the last 5 and 6 days we have seen our family come from around the country to be together during this time of pain.  We have all come together to love each other and just be together.  And I can guarantee that there is not a person that has not been effected by watching the family grieve.  I haven't heard anything from the Larsons that has been negative or doubting God.  God is still good.  Aunt Veta did say "I want you to know that as you see me cry I am not crying because I doubt God or his timing.  God is sovereign and perfect in His timing in taking Tyson.  I only cry for our loss."  God may have blessed our family so we could be an example of how to praise Him through this process.  To give Him glory when the world doesn't understand.  We don't understand why God chose to bring Tyson home in what seems so soon to us.  But we do know that now Tyson has seen a glimpse of heaven, of Christ on His throne, he wouldn't want to come back.  Praise God for taking Tyson because His timing is perfect.  Praise God for the effect it is having on everyone, looking inward to change things about their lives.  Praise God for giving the family the strength to grieve in His loving arms.

There are so many lives effected through his death.  Tyson was an amazing man.  He lived in a way most of us can only hope to do.  As his grandma said "Tyson was our message of love."  He was so loving, caring, sacrificial, serving, humble and this list could go on.  I know personally I need to reevaluate my life.  How am I living day-to-day?  What are my priorities?  What kind of impact do I have on the people around me?  At my funeral, what will people be saying about me?  Tyson didn't have to preach, he lived.  He didn't beat anyone over the head with his bible, he just walked, and he did it well.  Everyone who knew Tyson knew what he believed and know where he is now.  I want to know that about my life.  I want people to know that about me.